By Ranil Mendis
I have been asked by readers to dwell a little more on the great mathematicians Newton and Einstein; their theories of gravity and general relativity and to see whether these great theories have any useful application to our political situation.

Newton made many discoveries on the laws of motion and light etc. However he is best remembered for his greatest achievement in propounding the theory of gravity. A few turkeys in parliament who have heard of this may simply understand that what goes up must come down including their popularity. Madam is a good example. She is in the abyss.

Anyway the story goes, most probably untrue, that an apple falling on Newton’s head triggered him to inquire why it fell, and gave birth to the theory of gravity. In similar circumstances GL might have rubbed his head and appointed a few JPs. SB being more practical would have eaten the apple. Puran Minister would have named the tree after him. The world would not have apples and apple trees after that; only purans and puran trees. The Tharus and Marus would have had an "opening ceremony’’ and a tamasha at our expense.

Not so Newton, he racked his brain and formulated the theory that explained the structure of the universe and the movement of heavenly bodies and planets. The theory of gravity might not be useful to our leaders but the process of its discovery might well be.

Madam and PM have common problems with the PA dissidents being a mere example. Cabinets exceeding fifty are huge. Sri Lanka fortunately is not short of self-sacrificing politicians who are ever willing to serve the people. The pittance they want is duty free permits for limousines, liquor permits, pensions, patronage on contracts, to travel like Marco Polo at the people’s expense and stay at the Dorchester Hotel etc.

Nevertheless, it needs to be pruned down to around twenty and Madam and PM can ask them to be inspired by Newton. After all if Rosy can conduct seminars for UNP MPs in the hope that the Minister of Tourism will become Mrs. World, why not Newton?

All they have to do is to stand under an apple tree. The problem is we do not have apple trees so they should try a coconut tree. Then one nut will fall on another. One nut is bound to crack. Punters may bet with the former cricket chief that the coconut will survive. I would bet against! Our politicians are so dense and thick that it will be the coconut that cracks.

So, Madam and PM will be back to square one. Sri Lanka would have merely wasted a coconut. They may now try Einstein and his theory of general relativity.

Broadly speaking, according to this theory, which fits all available observations, time is not a constant. It varies with the speed one travels in a moving universe, with time being a dimension of space. As an example if all of us good people leave all the politicians at home, and get into a spacecraft, and travel at a speed approaching the speed of light, all the politicians would have died of old age by the time we spend an evening having tea. The proverb that a "thousand ages in thy sight is like an evening gone’’ is a mathematical possibility.

An extrapolation of this theory suggests that one can move backwards and forwards in time. With the ability to move backwards in time, different people may go back in time and do different things.

I am sure Madam would actually sit for and pass her exams at Sorbonne. She would attend extra lectures on cohabitation, public relations and how to speak like a lady.

PM would not sign memorandums of understanding with every Tom, Dick and Harry. He would not accept the PA dissidents. He would have left them to ruin Madam a little more.

"That’s not good enough,’’ butted in Bimbo, interrupting my trend of thought and the smooth flow of my coconut drink down the hatch. "I would meet all the parents of all the politicians and give them presents.’’

"And what would that be?’’ I asked.

Bags full of contraceptive pills, he replied! —
(Courtesy: "www.ozlanka.com")