Now I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t it against the law to attack people and take their money?

Yes it is—but it all depends on the weapon. If you use a gun to relieve someone of their money, you are classified as a robber, and end up in jail.

However, if you thrust a form at people, you are classified as a tax-collector, and you receive an office, a fat salary, a team of personal assistants, and a nasty nasty gleam in your eye.

The earliest recorded tax policy was written by a man called Joseph in Egypt three thousand years ago and was just one sentence long: "When the crop cometh in, a fifth part must be given unto Pharaoh."

Unfortunately, his spiritual descendants made it more and more complicated until you get to the current situation where doing your tax paperwork takes so long you are left with no time in which to earn any money. If this happens, the entire financial system grinds to a halt, and tax collectors dance in the streets.

For believe me, this is war.

I had a friend once who worked for an inland revenue department. He was completely devoted to relieving people of money they earned. His motto was: "We are living in a free society. Everyone has the freedom to become a taxpayer."

He and his bosses used to sit around thinking up new taxes which they would list on a whiteboard under the title "capital punishments" (get it?).

When we went out to social events, he would never tell people what he did until the very end of the evening. "In Asia, people always boast about how much money they make," he would snigger on the way home. "And then you tell them you’re a tax collector and they suddenly become incredibly modest about their earnings."

I once asked him for some unofficial tax advice. He looked at my bank statements and shook his head. "You earn too much to escape being hit with tax bills, but too little to have anything left over to pay them with them," he said. "You’re totally stuffed."

But I don’t mind paying tax. It’s the paperwork I hate. Can we not be more creative about taxes? I’d like to point out that over the years there have been many examples of innovative schemes used in place of income tax.

In Russia, Peter the Great instituted a tax on beards.

In the UK, William Pitt the Younger implemented a tax on windows.

In Rome, Emperor Vespasian introduced a tax on urine.

In Tennessee in the United States, a tax was instituted on lawsuits.

So there’s definitely a precedent for getting rid of all the receipts and stuff. In many countries in the world, people are campaigning to simplify the tax system, so that all the rules are thrown out, and everyone pays the same flat rate. Which of course was Joseph’s original idea three thousand years ago.

In his honour, this year I will pay my tax entirely in corn.