So, mobile phones for three-year-olds are being launched in Asia. I suspect the tiny recipients will have a great time playing with the wrapping paper and the box, and will flush the contents down the toilet. I certainly hope so, anyway. Parents who are stupid enough to buy these for their kids deserve all the misery they can get.

The makers of the MO1 toddler-phone say they are safe because communication can only work between the child and up to 200 best friends, whose numbers are input into the phone before it is handed to the kid.

But what’s the point of this? Have any of these people actually listened to a pair of three-year-olds having a phone conversation? I have. It goes something like this:

"Hello. This is Ming-Ming and I’m doing a great big poo."

"Oh. Hello, Ming-Ming. I like Power Rangers. I’m three and a half. I think I’ll do a poo too. Grunt! There. Done it."

"Oh. Are you in the toilet?"

"No. I’m sitting on my Daddy’s lap. Where are you?"

"I’m in the bath."

That’s about as intellectual as toddler-conversations get.

Of course, the older children get, the more sophisticated their conversations become, until they reach the totally stoned-out student stage, when the discussions become almost identical to the three-year-olds’ exchange presented above.

It’s all very depressing. You see, once one idiot parent gives their kid an age-inappropriate item, all their classmates demand the same. And parental dumbness has no limits.

Any day now, I expect to have the following conversation with my youngest child.

"Daddy, can I have a Mazda R-X8 convertible sports car, limited edition?"

"Of course not. You’re just a kid."

"Not fair. JENNY’S DAD BOUGHT HER ONE. You’re SO mean. I HATE YOU."

(I’ve been putting up with this conversation for years. I’m a married man, you see.)

Which leads me to a related subject. Now I don’t wish to insult anyone, but it must be said: Every single parent in the world is a dangerous lunatic except for me. All families should be broken up and the adults jailed except for my immediate family. This includes the families of all my friends and relations.

What is my evidence for making this sweeping condemnation?

I’ll explain. A movie came out recently called Batman: The Dark Knight. Now, every single movie review of this film I read clearly said that it was a violent, immoral movie unsuitable for children. The producers of the film said it was unsuitable for children. Even the children of the producers said it was unsuitable for children.

But every parent I have asked has taken his or her child to see it.

I am dreading the day when one of my children will notice all their friends and cousins have seen it.

Fortunately, I have a tried-and-tested "good parenting" technique to get over this problem. It is called Bribery and Corruption and it works every time.

The conversation will go something like this.

"Daddy, will you take me to see Batman: The Dark Knight? Jenny’s Dad took her."

"I’d love to, sweetheart, but it’s only on for one more night and we’re too busy. You see, we have to go to the car showroom and pick up your Mazda R-X8 convertible sports car, limited edition."