How to bulletproof your job in tough times
A wild new game is gripping the world’s workers. It is called "Holding Onto Your Job". Anyone can play. And you don’t need special equipment.
The rules: The first round begins on Monday at 9 am. All you have to do is stay employed until Friday, 5 pm.
If you make it, you’re a winner! Feel free to leap around, punching the air.
Losers: empty your desks and file out.
The following week, you play it again. And the week after. In fact, economists believe this will be the world’s top hobby for employed people for the next TWO YEARS.
As a special gift to readers, we hereby present a list of six clever ways to stay on the winning team.
1. Create a strong, personal bond with the boss. Ideally, marry his daughter. If you are already married, convert to a way of life that involves having multiple partners, such as becoming a traditionalist Muslim, a traditionalist Mormon, or a Frenchman. If she is aged 13 or less, take it slow.
Note: If your boss has no daughter, marry him instead. This may be a problem if you are both the same sex, but it is not insurmountable. Simply move to a country which recognizes same-sex marriages, such as the Netherlands. Why not organize a business trip to Amsterdam and surprise him with a bunch of flowers and a candlelit dinner the first night?
2. Be a champion backstabber. Make up vile tales about the disgusting personal habits of your fellow workers and ensure the boss gets to know about them. If you are in law or journalism, you probably won’t even have to invent the stories.
3. Make sure you know at least one major company secret. I suggest a quick snoop through the company files when the boss is out of town. Better still, take the secretaries out and get them drunk. As a last resort, marry a secretary. (Or several, see point number one.)
4. Hide essential files. Work out which projects are crucial to the future of the company and put yourself in charge of the documentation. Bury them in the local park. Let people know what you have done by strutting around the office, dusting soil off your fingers and making provocative movements with your eyebrows.
5. Take credit for everything good that happens. And I mean EVERYTHING. If the chairman makes a comment about the nice weather, explain that you hired a small plane and seeded the clouds so that they rained themselves out. If the boss comments that he enjoyed a particular movie, tell him that you wrote the screenplay in your spare time under a pen-name.
6. Blame your co-workers for everything bad that happens. If there is an earthquake in California, tell your boss you overheard your colleagues discussing the bombs they planted around the San Andreas Fault.
7. If your boss does decide to sack you, quickly borrow money, buy the company and sack him instead. You’ll end up with a huge debt. But your former boss will shortly work out that his best move is to marry your daughter. Let him. He’ll inherit the company and you can retire while he sorts out the problems.
Follow the steps above and you will stay employed.
Or at least go out with a bang.
Add to this list at our columnist’s website: www.vittachi.com