Warning: the information in this column is TOP SECRET. Only MEN should read it. There have been a series of high society weddings in Asia recently so I hereby reveal how Asian fathers get their sons married off.

Stage one. Father: Can we talk for a moment, son? All your cousins are married now, you know. You’ll have to settle down yourself one day. Can I help?

Son: No, Dad. I’ll decide who I’m going to marry and when I’m going to marry.

Father: Of course. I was just going to suggest you meet a nice girl I have in mind. That’s all.

Son: No thanks, Dad.

Father: She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent—-oh, and she just happens to be the daughter of the richest man in Asia.

Son: Really? Wow. Okay. Well, I guess I could take her out to dinner or something, see if anything clicks.

Father: What a great idea! If there’s anything I can do to help, just ask.

Stage Two. Father: Thank you so much for seeing me.

Tycoon: You have precisely 30 seconds.

Father: That’ll be plenty: I’ve only got one thing to tell you. I believe my son and one of your daughters are considering marriage.

Tycoon: What? Impossible. I know nothing about this.

Father: It was a surprise to me, too. They’re going out later this week.

Tycoon: But who are you? And more to the point, who does your son think he is?

Father: My son is a good boy, young, single, smart and presentable.

Tycoon: Huh. So are a million other boys who would like to marry my daughter.

Father: True. But my son’s a high-flier, just like you were when you were young. In fact, he’s just about to start work as vice president of a major bank. He’ll be the youngest vice president ever.

Tycoon: Really? Well in that case, maybe it’s not completely out of the question. Saves me going out looking for someone, I suppose. Which bank?

Father: The biggest bank in Asia.

Tycoon: Let me think about this.

Father: If you and I give our approval, we would make your daughter very happy, which is the most important thing.

Tycoon: Of course. I guess we’d better arrange some sort of dinner between your family and mine.

Father: What’s a great idea!

Stage three. Father: I want you to give my son a job as vice-president of your bank.

Banker: What? I can’t do that. I don’t know anything about him. Is he even qualified?

Father: He’s shortly to become the son-in-law of the richest man in Asia.

Banker: He’s qualified.

Father: My son can start work on Monday. What have you got available at the vice president level?

Banker: Not sure. There may be some openings in equities.

Father: Vice president of equities. What a great idea!

And that’s it. Simple, isn’t it? Now eagle-eyed female readers may have spotted something. At no point in this process are the wishes of the female considered. That’s true. This is Asia. Women’s opinions don’t count.

But we are moving slowly towards female emancipation and may well achieve equality between the sexes in as little as four to five hundred years. Have patience, girls. And if you think I am being a sexist, let me remind you that it is not your business to think.

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