What’s that flying through the air? A bird? A plane? Superman? No, it’s a vindaloo grenade. Indian scientists told the BBC they were putting bhut jolokia (ghost chilli) into weapons. This is stuff is much spicier than most restaurant curries, but not as hot as my uncle Ernie’s chicken madras, the creation of which requires nuclear fission and could easily trigger a chain reaction leading to planet-wide meltdown.

But the concept of curry grenades is definitely appealing. If you have to die, at least it’s a natural death: "Gravely wounded by a flying chicken tikka masala he limped to the front line where he was finished off by a double-vindaloo he caught full in the face."

It’s intriguing to speculate as to where this could lead, especially with US President Barack Obama campaigning to disarm nuclear weapons around the world. If they go, what would be left but for nations to have international geopolitical food fights?

Japan, after being convicted of being Very Naughty Indeed during World War II, was ordered by the world community to promise never to develop military gear. But it does have one super-powerful weapon: wasabi, that neon green stuff that blows the top of your head off.

And what about the British? A single teaspoon of Coleman’s Mustard is enough to bring tears to the eyes of a statue. A jar of the yellow rocket-fuel could easily bring down a battalion of troops. Especially since French mustard is mild and fussy and American mustard has the same Scoville (spiciness) rating as water.

When I was young and stupid (as opposed to old and stupid) I sat down with some like-minded friends and we brewed up the hottest chilli sauce we could think of. South Asian chilli burns your mouth, English mustard brings agony to your nose and eyes, and wasabi blows the back of your head off. So we mixed all three and put it in our mouths. It blew our entire heads right off. We were SO happy.

And therein lies a mystery. Why do men like pain? Psychologist Paul Rozin says guys are biochemically designed to suffer extreme risk at regular intervals. They evolved to fight sabre-toothed tigers. These days there are no tigers to fight, so men unconsciously create similar feelings of pain and fear and horror through eating chilli, trying extreme sports, riding roller coasters, and of course, getting married.

A knowledgeable reader from the law enforcement sector told me that chilli-based weapons are already available on the international market, but laws on using them differ from place to place. In the Philippines, everyone carries some sort of pepper spray; men, women, children, and even some of the more sophisticated household pets. They can also be used in India and South Korea. "But in Hong Kong, a chilli-based spray would be classified as armaments under chapter 238 of the Firearms and Ammunition Ordinance. Possession is punishable by 14 years in prison," my ex-police source said.

If the United Nations weapons inspectors ever tasted my Uncle Ernie’s curry, they would lock him up for life. This would probably be a good thing for all concerned. If North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il gets to him first, this planet would be in big trouble.