Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan have just announced massive profits, but the rest of the world’s investment and retail banks have mixed results, ranging from "aiyeeah" to "aiyeeeeeeeah".

Reader Wendy Tong sent me this report from Japan: "In the last seven hours, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but remains in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal."

Wendy asked whether it was likely that the same problems would flow into banks in other countries.

Well, Wendy, the sad fact is that these problems are already sweeping financial firms all over the world, although some are surviving better than others. Here’s a brief overview of banking around the globe.

In Germany, the news is not too bad. Shadenfraude Bank is profiting from the misfortunes of others. The Autobahn Bank is driving ahead at top speed while the Blitzkrieg Bank is making an all-out attack on costs. The only gloom comes from Zeitgeist Bank, which appears to have been uncannily infected by the depressed spirit of the time.

In India, things are pretty sweet for the Chutney Bank, but are expected to get way too hot for comfort at Bank Vindaloo.

In Italy, results are mixed. The Gondola Bank is sailing ahead, but Pizza Bank is expected to be sliced up and distributed. The profits of Bank Cappuccino turned out to be mostly froth, while Espresso Bank remains small: senior staff are bitter. The Linguine Bank has become tangled with the Fettuccini Bank and both are being courted by Alfresco Bank which has a strong presence in the high street.

In China, deals are steaming ahead at the Gung Ho Bank, while regulators have broken up the Dim Sum Bank into small pieces. Bak Choy Bank claims to have turned over a new leaf while the Feng Shui Bank is doing some internal re-organization.

The Kung Fu Bank has hit out at critics (with the edge of its right foot) and the Mah Jong Bank is adamant that it is "still in the game". The Tai Chi Bank is undergoing some complex balancing of its positions, but something smells strange at the Tofu Bank.

In France, the Banque Vin Rouge has a hangover from a few bad nights, but the Banque Baguette is taking a long view. The Gateau Bank is going to be cut up while a new share issue from Banque Bonjour have been greeted positively by investors. The Banque Croissant remains light and fluffy and the Champagne Banque is expected to shoot upwards.

The worst news comes from Spain, where we are sad to report that the Siesta Bank is now completely dormant.