A MAN SPENT seven years using a deodourant which was supposed to make beautiful women throw themselves at the user. It failed. No female of any description hurled herself at him. Now he is suing the manufacturer, for false advertising.

Now I know what you are going to say. The problem was not the TV ad, but the fact that this guy is a total loser. Anyone who believes TV ads has got to be. I hear you.

But let’s not dismiss Vaibhav Bedi, 26, too quickly. The series of TV ads he saw showed a young man spraying himself with Axe deodourant (in some countries called Lynx), and then having to fight off buxom babes.

Vaibhav liberally adorned his body with Axe body-washes, shampoos, antiperspirants and hair gels. He stepped outside. He braced himself to be ravished by drooling hordes of supermodels. Nothing happened. Women just walked right past him. "I used it for seven years but no girl came to me," his petition to a court in India said.

It’s not unusual for advertisers to lie. It’s the norm. Last week a property developer in Hong Kong got into trouble for advertising a block of flats in front of the ocean, when in reality a high-rise housing estate blocks the sea-view. You’d think a high-rise housing estate would be hard to miss.

My advice: disregard all ad slogans.

AT&T’s slogan is:

"Reach out and touch someone."

Well, don’t. You will be punched in the face by your victim’s boyfriend.

Nike’s slogan is:

"Just do it."

This may be all right for mild people with relatively innocuous urges, but if you are like the present writer, that is, a red-blooded impulsive idiot, a better slogan would be: "DON’T just do it, think first". Otherwise you will be punched in the face by her boyfriend. (See above.)

The slogan for Steinway and Sons pianos is:

"The instrument of the immortals."

Fact: ask the salesman if he can guarantee you will live forever after buying the piano and he just laughs awkwardly and changes the subject.

I told Mr Bedi’s sad tale in the bar that night. To my surprise, a retired advertising man told me that Axe and similar products actually DO work for many people. How?

"What cosmetic firms are really selling are tools to give you self-belief, which is the most attractive thing in the world," he said. "You spray on your Axe deodourant, and you think, ‘Gosh, now I am REALLY sexy,’ and you get a spring in your step and a confident smile on your face. That’s what attracts the opposite sex. It’s not actually the Axe that’s doing it. If you believed that rubbing stinkfruit on your body would make you attractive, you’d still get the girl."

It’s an interesting idea. I wonder if I can persuade Mr Bedi to try this? Having been dateless for seven years, he may be desperate enough.

Incidentally, the Maidenform underwear company’s slogan is:

"I dreamed I went shopping in my Maidenform bra."