Next Olympics to be held in Sri Lanka

Hoot me and you will be arrested


Due to the friendly relations between Sri Lanka and Japan, the Japanese government requested the International Olympic Committee to let Sri Lanka host the next Olympics. International Olympic Committee readily agreed and it has been already notified to all other countries. This week the cabinet of Ministers will meet at the Independence Square for a special cabinet meeting and they would declare whole of Sri Lanka as the Olympic village. Thereafter, parliament will have a special session and grant its approval to the proposal. It will be the first time .Oh I am sorry not first time but first time that all parties, including the Joint Opposition will endorse and support the proposal since hosting the Olympics in Sri Lanka will be a dream come true for any country.

However, as the Minister for Nothing to do in Sri Lanka, I have decided to leak some information long before the Joint Cabinet spokespersons.

Venue for boxing, wrestling and gymnastics will be the parliament complex in Kotte- It is the ideal place for sportsmen and women around the world. It is very secure , we have all the facilities there in the complex. Countries can save money because they do not have to bring coaches or even managers since Sri Lanka can provide all the expertise. Even the cheer squads and judges and referees could be provided. However, we will request the countries to credit money to our banks for providing such services. If requested we can even provide seasoned wrestlers, boxers, and gymnasts for a fee.

Rowing will be held at both Diyawanna and the Beira. Life guards will be provided at no extra cost. Rowing club will be taken over by the government. A coach from Royal college Colombo will be provided to all rowing teams and also from the Diyawanna rowing club. Swimming events will be held in the Northern seas at no extra cost. Sri Lanka is of the view that swimming pools are not necessary since Olympics are held in an island in the Indian Ocean. Government of Sri Lanka together with the Northern provincial council will partition certain areas in the sea to ensure justice and fair play in swimming. However, Indian swimmers will not be allowed to take part in the Indian ocean area in the North due to the fear that they would warn the Indian fishermen and women where they could get a good catch of fish. International Olympics committee will be duly notified keeping the spirit of Olympics.

For the first time in the Olympics history there will be a competition on ‘Backbiting and Cut throatism ‘ Sri Lanka has already selected a 225 member team to take part in the games and even offered to train all other countries in the new event. Sri Lanka is expected to win the Gold, Silver, Bronze and any other medals or certificates on offer at the Olympics. All Consultant Editors will be accredited as coaches. It is a special privilege offered to them to continue with their records and to break whatever they intend to break. All other journalists too will get passes. Cabinet of Ministers will act as the Olympic Committee of Sri Lanka and the President as the President and the Prime Minister as Secretary General and former Presidents and Prime Ministers as Patrons and Advisers based on the games they excel in.

Shooting competition will be held along the roads of Sri Lanka with high speeding private buses and Tuk Tuks as targets. Ministers John Amaratunga and Nimal Siripala de Silva are expected to make the proposal when the cabinet meets in the interest of the public and their safety. It is expected that the International Olympic Committee will support this. All Sathosa outlets will be turned in to canteens for the use of athletes from the world over and they will be asked to ‘Eat all you can’ keeping with the traditional hospitality of Sri Lanka. A PR company has also suggested to add the slogan ‘Take all you can’ and a secret document is being prepared to nameboth Rishard Bathiudeen and Johnston Fernando to head the gigantic Olympic canteens with the slogans - ‘Eat All You Can. Take All You Can’. The empty Sathosa outlets will be renamed - OAK (Olympics Api Kewa) outlets at the end of the Olympics.

Government buses will transport the Olympians anywhere in the country at no extra cost. They expect to transport 100 people in each bus even though capacity is sixty. The idea mooted by the Sri Lanka reconciliation committee is to be tabled shortly. They are of the view that reconciliation between countries is not happening and this would be a good start and the buses will also double up as saunas at no extra cost.

Susanthika Jayasinghe will have no role to play and she will be sent on a holiday to Paris at the time. Sri Lankan teams will have plenty of coaches and officials and athletes will be able to compete freely. However, at the end of the Olympics in Sri Lanka all coaches, officials will be given a return ticket to Switzerland. It will not apply to the athletes since it’s a violation of human rights not to provide free tickets to officials even if the Olympics are held in Sri Lanka.

Harsha de Silva who was r ecently elevated to the cabinet rank as the Minister in Charge of Ambulances will head the Olympic Medical committee. He is also a Doctor and the world will think he is a medical doctor and it will solve the problem of dealing with the GMOA which is not cooperating with the government.

Dear Readers , This is all I could reveal to you as the Minister for Nothing To Do in the Socialist, Capitalist, Democratic Republic of Sri Lanka. But, it will not be for long. I will be back with more information leaks. But, if you hoot at me, you will be arrested though my name isn't John.

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